I hope to become a Copper Pipe.

My Zen name is "Enkan," which means, "Lead Pipe." My Zen teacher named me that based on his letters saying that I'm useless, poisonous, stubborn, destructive, and that my existence makes no sense. My dad says hopefully one day I'll become a Copper Pipe. My uncle says about "Copper Pipe," "one day... when you're better." My girlfriend says I should see if I can go five minutes without quotes or storytelling.

But none of that is any manner of tragedy compared to my friend Joe Binenzstok. He is completely transfixed by the obsession that this guy named Kurt doesn't like him. Then again, given Kurt's the Zen teacher who named me Lead Pipe, I tend to agree. 

On the bright side, my friend Bob has recovered from his wretched pit of a life when he started going by Rob. That changed everything.